[Sai isn't quite so sure Chilton does understand, though. The people that come even close to it are few and far between, like Minato and perhaps to some extent Annie. Those who grew up in a nonstandard way like him, soldiers, fighters. Chilton wants to understand him, that much is obvious, but he's too different--too ordinary, Sai would think, surely much to the psychiatrist's chagrin if he could be privy to exactly what his potential future patient was thinking just then.]
Do you mean my feelings about the secrets themselves, or the fact that I must keep them?
[He doesn't have much in the way of feelings about either of those, really. The stirrings of human emotions reawakened in him are still fledgling at best, difficult to decipher, and further, most are of a far more personal nature--the sense of obligation to Naruto and Sakura to retrieve Sasuke, the heaviness when Naruto disappeared, the tension in his stomach when Kitty had been hospitalized after her kidnapping by the Hornets...]
If it's the former, that would not be of much use to you without my ability to provide you with details, correct? For example, if I were to tell you I was sad, you would ask why, which I would not be able to tell you. It would be a bit like reporting mission success or failure without being able to disclose the mission itself.
[There's a pause, as he realizes something. He remembers what Luvander had once said-- "If I never had to know that there were people training kids to think of themselves as 'nobody', I would quite frankly feel a lot better about humanity as a whole."
"I don't think so now, anyway."
"I am heartily glad you don't, kid. But if it is all the same to you, that won't exactly change my deep and sudden desire to set fire to the bastards who made you think so in the first place. I've been told I have my funny little ways."]
...But what you are really asking me is if I bear ill will towards Root and my superiors, isn't it? Because I am what you consider a child, and the most common form of society among imPorts is that which views children as innocent, hands which should remain unsullied until the arbitrary point of eighteen, the age designated as the start of adulthood.
You wish to know if I regret those lost years, if I consider my circumstances unfortunate.
[There's a tick of something mildly impatient as he speaks, of the very beginnings of a sort of exasperation.]
I don't. Everything we ever did was always ordered with the best interests of the village in mind. There were things that needed to be done, and we would do them. It doesn't matter to me that it wasn't something I chose. I would do them all over again without hesitation.
[There are things he wants to learn and understand, about people, about himself, but trying to live for himself and decide what that means isn't about getting away from Root, for him. He finds that he likes being part of Team Kakashi, likes "existing", but the village is still everything. He'd still lay down his life for it at a word, and doesn't mourn for those things he doesn't remember about birth family, or the childhood before he became an orphan and then a weapon.
(Deep down in his newly reawakened heart, quiet and unheard, a part of him thinks if it weren't for Root, he might not have met Naruto--and that's something he could never regret)]
You seem to be embroiled in quite the predicament.
[Remarked Chilton, as he observed Sai working through the matter. It was safer, to commit to observation. He did not wish to interrupt the flow of Sai's speech, especially considering that the young man was -- at best -- an informal patient right now. Chilton hadn't any sufficient legal sway over these proceedings. He did not want to be put in a position where someone might question his interaction at this hospital, while Sai was still (presumably) vulnerable.
Although Chilton would make the argument that Sai was unlikely ever truly vulnerable.]
But yes, that's what I meant. [And it was interesting to hear Sai say he actually did not regret.] And I suppose your loyalty knows no bounds.
[Even now, even after humoring Chilton's request Sai spoke without revealing. He was tight-lipped. Perhaps even tongue-tied -- so to speak. Given what he had exhibited to Chilton, perhaps tongue-sworn would have been more accurate.
Tongue-stamped.]
While I appreciate your zen-like approach to your past, Sai, I cannot say it would not have an affect on your present. Hence my line of questioning.
[But he decided to change tracks.]
Has anyone else come to see you? Perhaps about the people you have recently hurt?
apologies for the delay! grad school has been eating me
What bounds could there be? I'm not certain you fully understand--in Root, I did not exist. Orders were the entire totality of what I was. Sai is not even truly my name. I don't know what it originally was. Loyalty, obedience, is all we were.
[He finds it rather difficult to explain, to outsiders. He was different from most other shinobi, but at least among them, there were certain things that were simply understood.]
And of course my past would affect my present, that is simply the nature of things. To answer your question, though...my teammates did, but no one else. You're the first, after them.
[With eyebrows raised, Chilton took in what Sai was saying. By his estimation, he was looking at the victim of an outright cult -- and one highly adept at psychic driving. The very fact that Sai could integrate into larger society from that with such relatively minor difficulty (for Chilton wouldn't accuse the young man of perfect social graces) spoke deeply to Sai's resilience.
Of course... Identity forged well after the fact was all the more malleable. And, as according to the youth himself, Sai was not even his real name.]
Good of your teammates, at least. [A soft murmur, one just shy of pity. Chilton guessed that pity would be distasteful.] However superfluous they might seem, gestures of attention often translate into caring. It was really quite good of your teammates.
[And by that same implication, good of Chilton himself.]
I will leave that invitation open, Sai. If ever you want to discuss what happened to do in length, if ever you need someone to listen.
[Chilton shrugged, lightly, trying hard not to put pressure on his words.]
[Chilton' motivations in wanting to speak further with him, however, are not quite so clear. Hence:]
To what end? If you wish to fulfill more of your interest in me as a...psychiatrist [the pronunciation is just slightly stilted, as of one saying a new word for the first time, but otherwise almost perfectly produced in imitation of how Chilton himself had said it.], we could continue this conversation now.
[But otherwise, he sees no real point.]
Although, I'm still uncertain what it is you expect me to say about it.
You'll need time to rest up. [Chilton was mindful of the nursing staff, some of who had passed along the hallway of the room's open door. He was sure that he hadn't imagined their animosity, given how much time he was taking away from their rightful patient and his need to heal.] And -- I hope -- that time will allow you to contemplate your emotions, and your cognitive reaction to your feelings. After all... I am confident that you have feelings, Sai.
[As Chilton made his way to the opened door, he threw back a look. It wasn't one forged in pity, but it was reactive. He searched for any reaction from Sai's face, anything that he could mirror in response.]
I only want what is healthiest for you. Mentally speaking. [A beat, and he offered a grin.] You know how to contact me.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
daimeinashi) wrote2014-11-02 03:59 pm
no subject
Do you mean my feelings about the secrets themselves, or the fact that I must keep them?
[He doesn't have much in the way of feelings about either of those, really. The stirrings of human emotions reawakened in him are still fledgling at best, difficult to decipher, and further, most are of a far more personal nature--the sense of obligation to Naruto and Sakura to retrieve Sasuke, the heaviness when Naruto disappeared, the tension in his stomach when Kitty had been hospitalized after her kidnapping by the Hornets...]
If it's the former, that would not be of much use to you without my ability to provide you with details, correct? For example, if I were to tell you I was sad, you would ask why, which I would not be able to tell you. It would be a bit like reporting mission success or failure without being able to disclose the mission itself.
[There's a pause, as he realizes something. He remembers what Luvander had once said--
"If I never had to know that there were people training kids to think of themselves as 'nobody', I would quite frankly feel a lot better about humanity as a whole."
"I don't think so now, anyway."
"I am heartily glad you don't, kid. But if it is all the same to you, that won't exactly change my deep and sudden desire to set fire to the bastards who made you think so in the first place. I've been told I have my funny little ways."]
...But what you are really asking me is if I bear ill will towards Root and my superiors, isn't it? Because I am what you consider a child, and the most common form of society among imPorts is that which views children as innocent, hands which should remain unsullied until the arbitrary point of eighteen, the age designated as the start of adulthood.
You wish to know if I regret those lost years, if I consider my circumstances unfortunate.
[There's a tick of something mildly impatient as he speaks, of the very beginnings of a sort of exasperation.]
I don't. Everything we ever did was always ordered with the best interests of the village in mind. There were things that needed to be done, and we would do them. It doesn't matter to me that it wasn't something I chose. I would do them all over again without hesitation.
[There are things he wants to learn and understand, about people, about himself, but trying to live for himself and decide what that means isn't about getting away from Root, for him. He finds that he likes being part of Team Kakashi, likes "existing", but the village is still everything. He'd still lay down his life for it at a word, and doesn't mourn for those things he doesn't remember about birth family, or the childhood before he became an orphan and then a weapon.
(Deep down in his newly reawakened heart, quiet and unheard, a part of him thinks if it weren't for Root, he might not have met Naruto--and that's something he could never regret)]
no subject
[Remarked Chilton, as he observed Sai working through the matter. It was safer, to commit to observation. He did not wish to interrupt the flow of Sai's speech, especially considering that the young man was -- at best -- an informal patient right now. Chilton hadn't any sufficient legal sway over these proceedings. He did not want to be put in a position where someone might question his interaction at this hospital, while Sai was still (presumably) vulnerable.
Although Chilton would make the argument that Sai was unlikely ever truly vulnerable.]
But yes, that's what I meant. [And it was interesting to hear Sai say he actually did not regret.] And I suppose your loyalty knows no bounds.
[Even now, even after humoring Chilton's request Sai spoke without revealing. He was tight-lipped. Perhaps even tongue-tied -- so to speak. Given what he had exhibited to Chilton, perhaps tongue-sworn would have been more accurate.
Tongue-stamped.]
While I appreciate your zen-like approach to your past, Sai, I cannot say it would not have an affect on your present. Hence my line of questioning.
[But he decided to change tracks.]
Has anyone else come to see you? Perhaps about the people you have recently hurt?
apologies for the delay! grad school has been eating me
[He finds it rather difficult to explain, to outsiders. He was different from most other shinobi, but at least among them, there were certain things that were simply understood.]
And of course my past would affect my present, that is simply the nature of things. To answer your question, though...my teammates did, but no one else. You're the first, after them.
no worries!
Of course... Identity forged well after the fact was all the more malleable. And, as according to the youth himself, Sai was not even his real name.]
Good of your teammates, at least. [A soft murmur, one just shy of pity. Chilton guessed that pity would be distasteful.] However superfluous they might seem, gestures of attention often translate into caring. It was really quite good of your teammates.
[And by that same implication, good of Chilton himself.]
I will leave that invitation open, Sai. If ever you want to discuss what happened to do in length, if ever you need someone to listen.
[Chilton shrugged, lightly, trying hard not to put pressure on his words.]
My office door is open.
no subject
[Chilton' motivations in wanting to speak further with him, however, are not quite so clear. Hence:]
To what end? If you wish to fulfill more of your interest in me as a...psychiatrist [the pronunciation is just slightly stilted, as of one saying a new word for the first time, but otherwise almost perfectly produced in imitation of how Chilton himself had said it.], we could continue this conversation now.
[But otherwise, he sees no real point.]
Although, I'm still uncertain what it is you expect me to say about it.
no subject
[As Chilton made his way to the opened door, he threw back a look. It wasn't one forged in pity, but it was reactive. He searched for any reaction from Sai's face, anything that he could mirror in response.]
I only want what is healthiest for you. Mentally speaking. [A beat, and he offered a grin.] You know how to contact me.