[So not a friendship thing, then. Once he's out of the hospital, he's going to need to look up more information on this particular topic. (Good luck with that, Sai)]
I'm not particularly familiar with your profession. Such things aren't common where I am from.
[Because lbr here if Narutoverse had anything resembling competent mental health services a lot of the plot probably wouldn't exist.]
Hm...
[An interesting piece of the puzzle that might slot into place, here, is that there seems to be an obvious hesitation, but not one of someone intentionally withholding information. It's as if there's a disconnect, there--a lack of instinctual understanding of the emotion, like he consciously needs to think on its presence or absence.]
...Not since, I don't think. [Beat] Though admittedly, the past days are somewhat muddled.
[i.e. he probably spent a lot of it in indeterminate distress over nonexistent assailants to Naruto, but now that he's lucid again he can't really separate that out from the actual swear-in's events.]
Familiarity, or lack thereof, is not of great value right now.
[In fact, it served Chilton's purposes better that no one had illuminated Sai to the more ethical clockwork of what psychiatrist ought to be. Chilton felt all the more emboldened from that tidbit of knowledge.]
Understandable, given what had happened to you. [Words chosen with precision: what had happened to you. Chilton was already absolving Sai from any personal responsibility, and given the purpose of Crane's toxin, that in of itself wasn't radical from a legal standpoint. But from Sai's perspective? Chilton anticipated personal responsibility would be an immediate barrier.]
Memory has a way of neutralizing the worst of trauma suffered from the offset. It is possible that you will begin to recall more and more in the coming of days. [Another beat. Chilton understood that Sai didn't appear emotionally in tune, and that made the following more difficult:] How would you deal with that? If troubling memories resurfaced.
[It's more that he's frustrated at the lack of accurate information to report than any guilt at not being able to remember his actions. In fact, he's confused at first, as to what could possibly be "troubling" about anything he could remember. He's about to ask for clarification on what Chilton means, when he suddenly thinks back to that moment in Orochimaru's hideout with Naruto and Sakura, and their reactions to the false story he had told them, about his mission being to engineer Konoha's destruction so that it could be rebuilt in Danzou's image. They were angry, as they told him about all the people who would die, all the suffering it would cause. At the time, it had meant nothing to him. People died in war, that was just how it was. But even if he's still incapable of empathizing with humanity in the abstract, he has a little better of an idea of where Naruto and Sakura were coming from: people would be upset at losing their bonds.
He connects the dots, then, about what Chilton is really asking.]
I'm not certain you realize how many people I've killed fully of my own volition, Frederick-san.
[There might be just as much blood or more on this boy's hands as Hannibal's, honestly, if one takes that entire bingo book of assassination targets into account.]
I have been a weapon for a very long time, for far longer than I have attempted to be an individual. It would be unfortunate if I had killed someone for no reason, true, but it is not as if I would have held objection to doing so if it had been necessary, even now.
And -- if I may venture -- as a weapon you certainly were not allowed to engage your feelings as a human being, were you? Feelings, emotions, and the corresponding thought processes.
[Chilton spoke soothingly, as if what he described was normal under the anesthetic of his tonal inflection. The contrast between his voice and his words might have been jarring for another individual, but the psychiatrist was banking on his already established relationship with Sai as a springboard; ideally, the appearance of understanding would catapult the reality of his requests.]
But you're right, in that I do not know how many you've killed. Willingly.
[And yet no judgment was evident.]
Would you care to discuss that, Sai? Circumstance is just as important as motivation, after all.
[Arguable, especially in a legal context. But Chilton so rarely spoke within the stern boundaries of any legal context. That was why people like Jeff Winger existed, wasn't that so?]
Because I would like to know. How many you have murdered.
That is correct. In Root, you have no name, you have no feelings, you have no past, you have no future. There is only the mission.
[There's something almost a little eerie about the cadence to his voice as he says it, as if it's a phrase he's spoken hundreds of time before and has utterly memorized.]
But I could not give you a precise number. As you can imagine, I never had reason to keep count. Suffice it to say that there is more blood on my hands than most of the civilians here will ever see in their lifetime.
What do you wish to discuss? I killed them because I was ordered to do so, or because it became necessary to do so in order to complete my missions. There is nothing more to it than that.
[Chilton blinked as Sai recited (what was, at least in the psychiatrist's estimation) that highly abusive, brainwashed mantra. Only the mission -- the ending statement of which was both empowering and dehumanizing. Whoever, whatever had indoctrinated Sai was certainly formidable. No discernible emotion passed over Sai's face, as Chilton noted. This was ingrained into the young man, this was made to be like breathing.
Quite fascinating.]
I would not be so crass as to suggest you had more agency than that. [Chilton pursed together his lips, contemplating as he watched his company.] And agency requires motivation. Now that you are isolated from such an environment, however, do you consider your past as -- [Well. He couldn't outright say abusive, could he?] Contrary. To your current needs?
[A beat followed, and he glanced around.]
I imagine most of this we ought to discuss in my office.
[Contrary to his needs? That supposes Sai understands emotional needs to be an actual thing. He's only about a year into the resurgence of the concept that emotions are something he is actually capable of in the first place, and the first tentative steps toward emotion being a motivator for certain goals, such as retrieving Sasuke or freeing your oppressed people.
So the question confuses him. The remark that follows is easier by far.]
That would be fine, if you wish. However, you should be aware that there is nothing I would tell you in private that I would not be willing to in public.
[In other words, he might not consider you any kind of active threat, but he doesn't trust you, either. That privilege is reserved to Konoha shinobi and their allies, with precious few outsiders.]
And if it is Root you wish to know more about....[there's that old plastic smile again, from their first meeting]
I'm afraid I am physically incapable of telling you. [And to highlight his point, he opens his mouth to reveal the seal on his tongue.]
Someone like me has entirely too many secrets, you understand. It must be ensured that they die with me.
[It wasn't Sai's honesty that was so unnerving, but rather the implication that he didn't maintain strong feelings about what many professionals would term as his captivity and brainwashing. Was that something attributed to his resiliency? Or was this evidence to the psychopathic disconnect that Chilton so direly hoped for?
He was playing it cautiously, unwilling to pitch too strong a sentiment either way. Chilton hated getting his hopes up -- disappointment left the most bitter of tastes in his mouth.]
But -- moving on. [Root was fundamental. Chilton's eyes flickered over that plastic smile, offering a waxy one in return.]
We need not get into the gruesome details, Sai. I understand if you are... Unable to be compromised.
[What sort of brainwashing had Root commitment? Something sophisticated. Something remarkable, to ensure that. The seal seemed to suggest a very literal consequence, but how much of that was within Sai's mind? Chilton wouldn't outright comment on that symbol, careful not to insult. He knew that sometimes his manner could be even vaguely insulting.]
I am not so interested in the secrets you keep as much as the feelings about them that you harbor.
Edited (needed to add a little more. ) 2015-09-14 05:38 (UTC)
[Sai isn't quite so sure Chilton does understand, though. The people that come even close to it are few and far between, like Minato and perhaps to some extent Annie. Those who grew up in a nonstandard way like him, soldiers, fighters. Chilton wants to understand him, that much is obvious, but he's too different--too ordinary, Sai would think, surely much to the psychiatrist's chagrin if he could be privy to exactly what his potential future patient was thinking just then.]
Do you mean my feelings about the secrets themselves, or the fact that I must keep them?
[He doesn't have much in the way of feelings about either of those, really. The stirrings of human emotions reawakened in him are still fledgling at best, difficult to decipher, and further, most are of a far more personal nature--the sense of obligation to Naruto and Sakura to retrieve Sasuke, the heaviness when Naruto disappeared, the tension in his stomach when Kitty had been hospitalized after her kidnapping by the Hornets...]
If it's the former, that would not be of much use to you without my ability to provide you with details, correct? For example, if I were to tell you I was sad, you would ask why, which I would not be able to tell you. It would be a bit like reporting mission success or failure without being able to disclose the mission itself.
[There's a pause, as he realizes something. He remembers what Luvander had once said-- "If I never had to know that there were people training kids to think of themselves as 'nobody', I would quite frankly feel a lot better about humanity as a whole."
"I don't think so now, anyway."
"I am heartily glad you don't, kid. But if it is all the same to you, that won't exactly change my deep and sudden desire to set fire to the bastards who made you think so in the first place. I've been told I have my funny little ways."]
...But what you are really asking me is if I bear ill will towards Root and my superiors, isn't it? Because I am what you consider a child, and the most common form of society among imPorts is that which views children as innocent, hands which should remain unsullied until the arbitrary point of eighteen, the age designated as the start of adulthood.
You wish to know if I regret those lost years, if I consider my circumstances unfortunate.
[There's a tick of something mildly impatient as he speaks, of the very beginnings of a sort of exasperation.]
I don't. Everything we ever did was always ordered with the best interests of the village in mind. There were things that needed to be done, and we would do them. It doesn't matter to me that it wasn't something I chose. I would do them all over again without hesitation.
[There are things he wants to learn and understand, about people, about himself, but trying to live for himself and decide what that means isn't about getting away from Root, for him. He finds that he likes being part of Team Kakashi, likes "existing", but the village is still everything. He'd still lay down his life for it at a word, and doesn't mourn for those things he doesn't remember about birth family, or the childhood before he became an orphan and then a weapon.
(Deep down in his newly reawakened heart, quiet and unheard, a part of him thinks if it weren't for Root, he might not have met Naruto--and that's something he could never regret)]
You seem to be embroiled in quite the predicament.
[Remarked Chilton, as he observed Sai working through the matter. It was safer, to commit to observation. He did not wish to interrupt the flow of Sai's speech, especially considering that the young man was -- at best -- an informal patient right now. Chilton hadn't any sufficient legal sway over these proceedings. He did not want to be put in a position where someone might question his interaction at this hospital, while Sai was still (presumably) vulnerable.
Although Chilton would make the argument that Sai was unlikely ever truly vulnerable.]
But yes, that's what I meant. [And it was interesting to hear Sai say he actually did not regret.] And I suppose your loyalty knows no bounds.
[Even now, even after humoring Chilton's request Sai spoke without revealing. He was tight-lipped. Perhaps even tongue-tied -- so to speak. Given what he had exhibited to Chilton, perhaps tongue-sworn would have been more accurate.
Tongue-stamped.]
While I appreciate your zen-like approach to your past, Sai, I cannot say it would not have an affect on your present. Hence my line of questioning.
[But he decided to change tracks.]
Has anyone else come to see you? Perhaps about the people you have recently hurt?
apologies for the delay! grad school has been eating me
What bounds could there be? I'm not certain you fully understand--in Root, I did not exist. Orders were the entire totality of what I was. Sai is not even truly my name. I don't know what it originally was. Loyalty, obedience, is all we were.
[He finds it rather difficult to explain, to outsiders. He was different from most other shinobi, but at least among them, there were certain things that were simply understood.]
And of course my past would affect my present, that is simply the nature of things. To answer your question, though...my teammates did, but no one else. You're the first, after them.
[With eyebrows raised, Chilton took in what Sai was saying. By his estimation, he was looking at the victim of an outright cult -- and one highly adept at psychic driving. The very fact that Sai could integrate into larger society from that with such relatively minor difficulty (for Chilton wouldn't accuse the young man of perfect social graces) spoke deeply to Sai's resilience.
Of course... Identity forged well after the fact was all the more malleable. And, as according to the youth himself, Sai was not even his real name.]
Good of your teammates, at least. [A soft murmur, one just shy of pity. Chilton guessed that pity would be distasteful.] However superfluous they might seem, gestures of attention often translate into caring. It was really quite good of your teammates.
[And by that same implication, good of Chilton himself.]
I will leave that invitation open, Sai. If ever you want to discuss what happened to do in length, if ever you need someone to listen.
[Chilton shrugged, lightly, trying hard not to put pressure on his words.]
[Chilton' motivations in wanting to speak further with him, however, are not quite so clear. Hence:]
To what end? If you wish to fulfill more of your interest in me as a...psychiatrist [the pronunciation is just slightly stilted, as of one saying a new word for the first time, but otherwise almost perfectly produced in imitation of how Chilton himself had said it.], we could continue this conversation now.
[But otherwise, he sees no real point.]
Although, I'm still uncertain what it is you expect me to say about it.
You'll need time to rest up. [Chilton was mindful of the nursing staff, some of who had passed along the hallway of the room's open door. He was sure that he hadn't imagined their animosity, given how much time he was taking away from their rightful patient and his need to heal.] And -- I hope -- that time will allow you to contemplate your emotions, and your cognitive reaction to your feelings. After all... I am confident that you have feelings, Sai.
[As Chilton made his way to the opened door, he threw back a look. It wasn't one forged in pity, but it was reactive. He searched for any reaction from Sai's face, anything that he could mirror in response.]
I only want what is healthiest for you. Mentally speaking. [A beat, and he offered a grin.] You know how to contact me.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
daimeinashi) wrote2014-11-02 03:59 pm
no subject
I'm not particularly familiar with your profession. Such things aren't common where I am from.
[Because lbr here if Narutoverse had anything resembling competent mental health services a lot of the plot probably wouldn't exist.]
Hm...
[An interesting piece of the puzzle that might slot into place, here, is that there seems to be an obvious hesitation, but not one of someone intentionally withholding information. It's as if there's a disconnect, there--a lack of instinctual understanding of the emotion, like he consciously needs to think on its presence or absence.]
...Not since, I don't think. [Beat] Though admittedly, the past days are somewhat muddled.
[i.e. he probably spent a lot of it in indeterminate distress over nonexistent assailants to Naruto, but now that he's lucid again he can't really separate that out from the actual swear-in's events.]
no subject
[In fact, it served Chilton's purposes better that no one had illuminated Sai to the more ethical clockwork of what psychiatrist ought to be. Chilton felt all the more emboldened from that tidbit of knowledge.]
Understandable, given what had happened to you. [Words chosen with precision: what had happened to you. Chilton was already absolving Sai from any personal responsibility, and given the purpose of Crane's toxin, that in of itself wasn't radical from a legal standpoint. But from Sai's perspective? Chilton anticipated personal responsibility would be an immediate barrier.]
Memory has a way of neutralizing the worst of trauma suffered from the offset. It is possible that you will begin to recall more and more in the coming of days. [Another beat. Chilton understood that Sai didn't appear emotionally in tune, and that made the following more difficult:] How would you deal with that? If troubling memories resurfaced.
sorry for all the edits!!!
He connects the dots, then, about what Chilton is really asking.]
I'm not certain you realize how many people I've killed fully of my own volition, Frederick-san.
[There might be just as much blood or more on this boy's hands as Hannibal's, honestly, if one takes that entire bingo book of assassination targets into account.]
I have been a weapon for a very long time, for far longer than I have attempted to be an individual. It would be unfortunate if I had killed someone for no reason, true, but it is not as if I would have held objection to doing so if it had been necessary, even now.
sorry for the delay!
[Chilton spoke soothingly, as if what he described was normal under the anesthetic of his tonal inflection. The contrast between his voice and his words might have been jarring for another individual, but the psychiatrist was banking on his already established relationship with Sai as a springboard; ideally, the appearance of understanding would catapult the reality of his requests.]
But you're right, in that I do not know how many you've killed. Willingly.
[And yet no judgment was evident.]
Would you care to discuss that, Sai? Circumstance is just as important as motivation, after all.
[Arguable, especially in a legal context. But Chilton so rarely spoke within the stern boundaries of any legal context. That was why people like Jeff Winger existed, wasn't that so?]
Because I would like to know. How many you have murdered.
no worries!!
[There's something almost a little eerie about the cadence to his voice as he says it, as if it's a phrase he's spoken hundreds of time before and has utterly memorized.]
But I could not give you a precise number. As you can imagine, I never had reason to keep count. Suffice it to say that there is more blood on my hands than most of the civilians here will ever see in their lifetime.
What do you wish to discuss? I killed them because I was ordered to do so, or because it became necessary to do so in order to complete my missions. There is nothing more to it than that.
no subject
Quite fascinating.]
I would not be so crass as to suggest you had more agency than that. [Chilton pursed together his lips, contemplating as he watched his company.] And agency requires motivation. Now that you are isolated from such an environment, however, do you consider your past as -- [Well. He couldn't outright say abusive, could he?] Contrary. To your current needs?
[A beat followed, and he glanced around.]
I imagine most of this we ought to discuss in my office.
no subject
So the question confuses him. The remark that follows is easier by far.]
That would be fine, if you wish. However, you should be aware that there is nothing I would tell you in private that I would not be willing to in public.
[In other words, he might not consider you any kind of active threat, but he doesn't trust you, either. That privilege is reserved to Konoha shinobi and their allies, with precious few outsiders.]
And if it is Root you wish to know more about....[there's that old plastic smile again, from their first meeting]
I'm afraid I am physically incapable of telling you. [And to highlight his point, he opens his mouth to reveal the seal on his tongue.]
Someone like me has entirely too many secrets, you understand. It must be ensured that they die with me.
no subject
[It wasn't Sai's honesty that was so unnerving, but rather the implication that he didn't maintain strong feelings about what many professionals would term as his captivity and brainwashing. Was that something attributed to his resiliency? Or was this evidence to the psychopathic disconnect that Chilton so direly hoped for?
He was playing it cautiously, unwilling to pitch too strong a sentiment either way. Chilton hated getting his hopes up -- disappointment left the most bitter of tastes in his mouth.]
But -- moving on. [Root was fundamental. Chilton's eyes flickered over that plastic smile, offering a waxy one in return.]
We need not get into the gruesome details, Sai. I understand if you are... Unable to be compromised.
[What sort of brainwashing had Root commitment? Something sophisticated. Something remarkable, to ensure that. The seal seemed to suggest a very literal consequence, but how much of that was within Sai's mind? Chilton wouldn't outright comment on that symbol, careful not to insult. He knew that sometimes his manner could be even vaguely insulting.]
I am not so interested in the secrets you keep as much as the feelings about them that you harbor.
no subject
Do you mean my feelings about the secrets themselves, or the fact that I must keep them?
[He doesn't have much in the way of feelings about either of those, really. The stirrings of human emotions reawakened in him are still fledgling at best, difficult to decipher, and further, most are of a far more personal nature--the sense of obligation to Naruto and Sakura to retrieve Sasuke, the heaviness when Naruto disappeared, the tension in his stomach when Kitty had been hospitalized after her kidnapping by the Hornets...]
If it's the former, that would not be of much use to you without my ability to provide you with details, correct? For example, if I were to tell you I was sad, you would ask why, which I would not be able to tell you. It would be a bit like reporting mission success or failure without being able to disclose the mission itself.
[There's a pause, as he realizes something. He remembers what Luvander had once said--
"If I never had to know that there were people training kids to think of themselves as 'nobody', I would quite frankly feel a lot better about humanity as a whole."
"I don't think so now, anyway."
"I am heartily glad you don't, kid. But if it is all the same to you, that won't exactly change my deep and sudden desire to set fire to the bastards who made you think so in the first place. I've been told I have my funny little ways."]
...But what you are really asking me is if I bear ill will towards Root and my superiors, isn't it? Because I am what you consider a child, and the most common form of society among imPorts is that which views children as innocent, hands which should remain unsullied until the arbitrary point of eighteen, the age designated as the start of adulthood.
You wish to know if I regret those lost years, if I consider my circumstances unfortunate.
[There's a tick of something mildly impatient as he speaks, of the very beginnings of a sort of exasperation.]
I don't. Everything we ever did was always ordered with the best interests of the village in mind. There were things that needed to be done, and we would do them. It doesn't matter to me that it wasn't something I chose. I would do them all over again without hesitation.
[There are things he wants to learn and understand, about people, about himself, but trying to live for himself and decide what that means isn't about getting away from Root, for him. He finds that he likes being part of Team Kakashi, likes "existing", but the village is still everything. He'd still lay down his life for it at a word, and doesn't mourn for those things he doesn't remember about birth family, or the childhood before he became an orphan and then a weapon.
(Deep down in his newly reawakened heart, quiet and unheard, a part of him thinks if it weren't for Root, he might not have met Naruto--and that's something he could never regret)]
no subject
[Remarked Chilton, as he observed Sai working through the matter. It was safer, to commit to observation. He did not wish to interrupt the flow of Sai's speech, especially considering that the young man was -- at best -- an informal patient right now. Chilton hadn't any sufficient legal sway over these proceedings. He did not want to be put in a position where someone might question his interaction at this hospital, while Sai was still (presumably) vulnerable.
Although Chilton would make the argument that Sai was unlikely ever truly vulnerable.]
But yes, that's what I meant. [And it was interesting to hear Sai say he actually did not regret.] And I suppose your loyalty knows no bounds.
[Even now, even after humoring Chilton's request Sai spoke without revealing. He was tight-lipped. Perhaps even tongue-tied -- so to speak. Given what he had exhibited to Chilton, perhaps tongue-sworn would have been more accurate.
Tongue-stamped.]
While I appreciate your zen-like approach to your past, Sai, I cannot say it would not have an affect on your present. Hence my line of questioning.
[But he decided to change tracks.]
Has anyone else come to see you? Perhaps about the people you have recently hurt?
apologies for the delay! grad school has been eating me
[He finds it rather difficult to explain, to outsiders. He was different from most other shinobi, but at least among them, there were certain things that were simply understood.]
And of course my past would affect my present, that is simply the nature of things. To answer your question, though...my teammates did, but no one else. You're the first, after them.
no worries!
Of course... Identity forged well after the fact was all the more malleable. And, as according to the youth himself, Sai was not even his real name.]
Good of your teammates, at least. [A soft murmur, one just shy of pity. Chilton guessed that pity would be distasteful.] However superfluous they might seem, gestures of attention often translate into caring. It was really quite good of your teammates.
[And by that same implication, good of Chilton himself.]
I will leave that invitation open, Sai. If ever you want to discuss what happened to do in length, if ever you need someone to listen.
[Chilton shrugged, lightly, trying hard not to put pressure on his words.]
My office door is open.
no subject
[Chilton' motivations in wanting to speak further with him, however, are not quite so clear. Hence:]
To what end? If you wish to fulfill more of your interest in me as a...psychiatrist [the pronunciation is just slightly stilted, as of one saying a new word for the first time, but otherwise almost perfectly produced in imitation of how Chilton himself had said it.], we could continue this conversation now.
[But otherwise, he sees no real point.]
Although, I'm still uncertain what it is you expect me to say about it.
no subject
[As Chilton made his way to the opened door, he threw back a look. It wasn't one forged in pity, but it was reactive. He searched for any reaction from Sai's face, anything that he could mirror in response.]
I only want what is healthiest for you. Mentally speaking. [A beat, and he offered a grin.] You know how to contact me.